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Friday, 26 July 2013

"It never stops being painful"

I saw something pop up on my news feed the other day, an article no less. I always click as I am often intrigued by titles. This one was titled "I choose to be Fat" As I began reading I was overwhelmed by the content. The writings were an insight into a woman called Laura Bogart experiences of being fat. I always wonder whether all fat peoples stories are the same. I know that sounds crazy but you sometimes question whether you are truly out there on your own with your issues with weight. I too have an issues with food and my emotions, and to read statements that almost mirror things that have happened to you is kinda weird.
"The arc of my life has been defined by my waistline: Shop clerks give me the side-eye, direct me to accessories; the arms of chairs pinch my hips; an old woman sitting next to me on the bus yells aloud that I’m crowding her off her seat. It never stops being painful, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s become like that sore spot on my heel, now tombed in callus"

Although my experience wasn't at a bus stop, or in relation to a seat, I too have been made to feel the size of a pea by someone commenting on my weight. 'A young girl like you shouldn't be that big' or being called a 'Fat Cunt' as you walk down the street. As I read that line Laura wrote, my horrible memories came flushing back. It does never stop being painful. Don't get me wrong this journey of body acceptance has helped it but the pain is still there, its just locked away in a box ready to pop out when the going gets tough.
 "I’ve spent my whole life capitulating to other people’s expectations"


If I think back to every time I went on a diet it was only to free myself of the pain I was suffering at the hands of others. Although I was never bullied, when ever someone needed to insult me Fat was the choice of poison. Even my own mother has called me fat and it tears away at you inside. When I told my Grandad that I had been invited on Channel 4 news as part of a discussion on Fat Taxing a few months ago, I hoped he would be proud, he seemed it. Deep down I know that he would really prefer if I was slimmer. Slimmer for my health as everyone so adamantly says. If I smoked would they say the same things? I don't know. I know that my Grandad loves me but sometimes I still feel like a failure even after everything I have achieved.
When you’re obese, you are your body. Every decision you make is viewed through the prism of your weight. Do you order the salad at lunch? Good for you! You’re taking control of your health. Do your order the pasta primavera? You don’t love yourself enough. Are you sitting alone on a park bench? You’re alone and lonely: Nobody can really love you until you love yourself.


One thing that used to plague me about being big, was the thought of being alone. Don't get me wrong I had attention from guys, but I could never tell if it was for a joke. I threw my own virginity away at 19 in the bid to get rid of it, to prove that I wouldn't always be the big fat 19 year old virgin. I had one night stands with men that most likely saw me as the 'funny, make fun of yourself welsh girl' than someone attractive, beautiful and smart. That all changed when I met Dan. He looked at me like he'd been looking at me all my life, he showered me with compliments and after nearly five years still does. I used to wonder whether he was a 'Chubby Chaser' whether he only found me attractive because that was 'his thing'. Until one day he showed me a picture of his ex girlfriend, she was a beautiful brunette, at a meager size 8. I then began thinking, he might just actually love me. Real love, the love that you think only slim girls get. I am so grateful to be loved and I am glad that I allowed myself the privilege. I write this blog because I enjoy it and I write because sometimes what I write makes an impact on someone and that is overwhelmingly amazing. I would love for Laura to know that she made an impact of me. That all the women who stand up against discrimination and fight for body positivism are making an impact on me. That it is okay to talk about the hard times of our experiences. We are all human and we all have ghosts in the closet. Sometimes it's good to let them out and not judge them if they choose to have a burger. 


Callie xoxo   

27 comments:

  1. Excellent post. You have brought some memeories flooding back to me too. Thanks for sharing. xxx

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  2. Jennifer Barretto26 July 2013 at 09:11

    Wow, Callie this was amazing. People can be awful and make you feel so small. This is why I love the fatshion community so much. It is just filled with love, acceptance and honesty. SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!

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  3. Your post not only brought back memories but made me think of something a colleague said to me on Monday. We were talking about university and I mentioned how I spent a lot of money going out in my first year, nights out, booze and meals. And he said 'how could you spend that much in a year?' Paused then laughing said "oh hold on, was this when you were fat?". As if just because I've lost some of the excess weight it's ok to laugh at me. Instantly I felt defensive and small like I have a thousand times before. I admire everything you do and wish you were around when i was growing up!

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  4. Such a lovely post. You're such an inspiration to people, you should be so proud of yourself xxx

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  5. I <3 you, Callie! This is beautiful. xoxo

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  6. GIRLSTOLELONDON26 July 2013 at 10:36

    BABYLOVE!!!! This is an amazing post and as I will continue to tell you - so are you. Anybody who knows you, truly knows you, sees the curves and loves them just as much as your wickedly funny, kind, warm and generous self. You're a beaut inside and out lady. Proud to have you in my life and of all the things you have achieved this year.


    Love you and Dan Dan muchly xxxxxxxx

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  7. Exactly how Ive felt and at times still do. Very eloquently written, nice :) xx

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  8. What a wonderful post Callie. You've put into words feelings that I'm not quite ready to express to everyone yet. Thank you :)


    Aimee x

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  9. Just amazing <3 you hit a nerve with me xxx

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  10. Reading about Dan at the end gave me goosebumps. Love you both. Zoe xxx

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  11. You are truly inspiring Callie! Thank You :)
    Love from Lisbon

    Paty

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  12. Natasha Arsovska26 July 2013 at 15:08

    Callie, you are beautiful and so inspiring! I Love that you wrote this and i can relate to it. You are a positive role model to all girls suffuring with body image issuses...great post!!!

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  13. Sheri Matthews27 July 2013 at 03:14

    Man I can relate to this post. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is defined by my weight, or rather that everyone else defines me by it. I graduated on Monday, it was an all round celebration of my achievements in completing my degree, getting a job doing exactly what I want to do and moving out of the family home & to a new city & standing on my own two feet and all that, I felt like I had achieved so much but the last thing my nan said to me (and I know she didn't mean to upset me and I know she only looks out for me and she loves me and all that) was 'now this is all over will you promise me you'll eat some salads again and you know, be good? I'll send you some slimming world magazines' - I felt like, despite everything I had achieved, it would all be that little bit better if I was thin, I had actually failed because I hadn't managed to lose any weight (even though I wasn't particularly trying to anyway). It was a bit of a slap in the face after such a challenging 3 years and it put a dampener on how proud of myself I felt.

    You're right, the pain doesn't go away, but you learn to live with it.

    You're so beautiful baby girl, don't you ever forget it! xxx

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  14. Pamela-Marie Lumbroso27 July 2013 at 03:15

    Truly inspiring!

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  15. I look up to you, Callie. You're independently minded and strong willed and you seem to value the things I do too. We are not defined by our weight, too much fat or too little fat. People sneer and judge all the time, and if it isn't for a persons weight its for their hair, or their complexion, or their height or their accent. We can't please, or be accepted, by everyone - being happy with ourselves and our own choices is the very best we can aim for. Ps - I think you & Dan are great. I would love my boyfriend whether he was 10 stone or 25 stone; it makes no odds to me. And re the ex girlfriend thing: it's definitely in my nature to compare myself to others, but like you I've realised that it isn't the appearance of these significant people that matters. We can be attracted to so many people, but we only truly fall in love and befriend another person on the deepest level with very, very few.

    Flora

    www.twowithseven.blogspot.co.uk

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  16. I am sorry that your Nan said that to you darling, but you need to know that you are not defined by it. How much you weigh and what you look like is totally irrelevant to all you have achieved! You should be so proud of yourself for Graduating and getting this amazing job! Please don't let it ruin things for you. This is the next chapter for you. xxxx

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  17. Thank you so very much Natasha!

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  18. Thank you Paty, how kind of you! :)

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  19. I heart you too bb girl <3

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  20. Hi Jen. Thanks for writing this comment. It is shocking how rude and disrespectful someone can be, it says so much more about him that anything else. Thank you so much for all your kind words they mean so very much to me. x

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  21. Thank you Flora! You are right, people love to comment on others, no matter what they are doing. Thank you re Dan and I he is lovely, and I too would love him at any size. What you wrote (so beautifully I might add) about only finding a few people to love on a deeper level is just so true, if only everyone could see that! x

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  22. Directed here from Lipstick Lori - wonderful writing and AMEN to everything. The bit about everything being seen through the "prism of your weight" struck home for sure.

    I do now want a burger for lunch though.. :-)

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  23. rachelcotterill29 July 2013 at 10:16

    Hey Callie :) I just found your blog via the Roehampton alumni email, it's nice to meet you. And I'm glad to hear you've found someone who values you just the way you are.

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  24. I've been thinking about this wonderful post all day. Thanks so much for writing it. Really needed to be said xx

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  25. Thank you so much for posting this Callie. I have been a reader of your blog for so long and I love your posts. You are an amazing woman and so beautiful. Reading this, all of this, and particularly the last paragraph resonates with me so much, I felt I needed to share my experience with you..

    After finding the love of my life 3 years ago online, we just met in person and it was the single most terrifying moment of my life.. and all of the fear revolved around being rejected for my size. Im a big girl.. A UK size 30.. how could he love me or want me or desire me? He had seen plenty of full length pictures of me, something I had never been comfortable showing other people, but with him I really wanted him to almost be prepared and to prepare myself for what seemed like the inevitable.. like I would understand if he decided he didnt want me after all because he could see how big I am. We had made plans to meet before but I cancelled at the last moment, always too afraid of losing him and him always comforting me trying to reassure me he loved me so much I had nothing to worry about.. So this time I had to see for myself what would happen, I bit the bullet and dove into my fear headfirst. We met a few weeks ago and spent the weekend together....... and it was the best weekend of my life. Everything he said was true. He loved me for me and he showed me at every opportunity, always telling me how he thought I was beautiful, how gorgeous I was.. showering me with so much affection, holding me in his arms whenever he could, holding my hands constantly and doing these things in PUBLIC like he was proud to show the world I was his. I had never had this before in other relationships, only behind closed doors and even then not so much.. but here we were infront of the whole world and the judgement of other people and not caring one bit. A thin guy stood there with his plush goddess in his arms and daring to show everyone how much we were in love, lost in our sweet little world where no one else exisisted.. and more in love than ever before.

    So it is possible... we can deserve the seemingly "thin priviledge" of a happy ending if we allow ourselves to get past the horrible oppression of people outside of our lives who know nothing about us, our bodies, our minds, our health, our heart and soul.. and live for ourselves. To learn to shine our light and our love on those around us no matter what and to take those chances sometimes that seem too good to be true..

    <3 <3 <3

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  26. this made me cry! thank you

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  27. Oh my!

    I have so often had that thought 'chubby chaser' about boyfriends in the past. Even more damaging is thinking about yourself in that way when you're single. Every girl has little insecurities, you deal with them and move on, at times some are harder to deal with because life might be stressing you out or something else, it was refreshing knowing others experience it all the same. You know what? I think half my insecurities have already walked out the door.

    Much Love & Peace

    Tyla

    x

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