When I began writing this blog over 4 months ago I was writing from what I thought was a good place. I decided to write openly and publicly about my journey to lose weight. I had an over whelming amount of support from my friends on Facebook and other fellow 'slimming worlders'. I posted weekly about how I felt with losing and gaining weight and I really began to feel in control I was losing nearly every week things were great, but soon I began to fall back into old habits and the old feelings of failure swept back in. I have only just realised that even telling the entirety of my Facebook and Twitter did not make losing weight any easier, in fact I then began to feel like even more of a failure when I didn't lose due to the pressure of everyone expecting something of me.
As I wrote in my previous post for a long time I have not felt comfortable in my own skin. No matter how many times my boyfriend or best friends tell me that I look beautiful it never really skins in. I have spoken a lot about the fact that I wear a great deal of black clothes, this became shockingly obvious to me when I was looking back at some very special occasions in my life.
In every single photo below I am wearing black. My Graduation, 21st Birthday, Prom and my 18th.
I know we all love a little black dress but I take it to another extreme. In all honesty I don't follow fashion as much as my other friends mainly because I don't think I could pull any of it off. It was then that I came across a number of blogs where girls of all sizes write posts of themselves in fashionable and beautiful clothes. They talk about body confidence and being happy in their own skin. I know that is one thing I am not.
I think until I can learn to even like myself then the losing weight and being happy will never really work. I realise now that I have written a few fat shaming posts about myself. I am fat. Cannot believe I just said that! But I am, I have spent most of life saying it to myself in the mirror nut secretly hoping that all my friends and people I meet don't think it. Quite frankly I was hoping that making the diet blog would help me to lose weight and I would be really happy. I now see that I have to be kind to myself and let weight loss come from a happy place. I have now decided to try and wear more colour, write about things that interest me as oppose to focusing everything in my life on losing weight. I will even use my money on buying myself nice clothes, shoes beauty products instead of spending money on diet food.
I will not give up on healthy eating but I also will not punish myself when I am not perfect on my diet. Actually strike that there is no more diet! I am on a healthy eating plan, So here's to the day when I can look in the mirror and like what I see! I hope that you will continue to follow my posts, and thank you for taking the time to read this today.